Grief, man. It truly comes in waves, when you least expect it. I had high hopes for today. Plans, errands, to-do list. I went to the grocery store and I was fine. I was driving home and something in me decided to put on my Joel playlist and listen to Celine Dion. And boom. There it was. Hello again, grief. I went home and unloaded my groceries. I told my husband I needed to drive. I got in my car and left, only to turn around after five minutes and go back home to grab my urns. My three little keepsake urns filled with my mom, my brother and my dads ashes. I put on my playlist of songs for them and drove. My husband texted telling me I should take the urns to the lake. If that isn't support, I don't know what is. Here we are, at the lake. The music is as loud as it goes. I'm laying in the drivers seat, sunroof open. Clear blue skies. Two planes flying overhead. I wonder where they're going. How many of them are going to be with a sick parent in ICU? How many of them are going to a funeral? How many have addiction in their family?
I lay here with one hand over my rib cage, feeling my lungs do what they're supposed to do. I lay here with one hand over my chest, feeling my heart pumping. I am so alive. I am so present here in this moment. But they're not. No, my mom and my brother and my dad. The are not here. And I don't get it. It truly doesn't make sense. Why me? Why them? I wonder what my parents would have done when they retired. I wonder if my brother would have had children. I wonder what my brother would look like as he aged. I wonder how my parents would be with my future children. I don't know these answers and I never will. But what I do know is that I am here. As far as I'm concerned, I'll be able to do those things. Maybe not, but I still have a chance. I'm still here even though they're not. I'm not okay. I never will be. But I'm thankful for this moment. I'm thankful for what I had and what I have. I'm alive and I've got to keep living.
More About Sadie
Sadie Truelove is married to her best friend, and together they live with their fur-baby Maggie in central Texas. Losing her mother, father, and brother in the span of four years, she is no stranger to the ache loss can bring.
Sadie has come to a place of peace and of healing -- through the love and support of her friends and family, self care, and holistic endeavors.